My mom is so embarrassing, and not even just to me. She embarrasses herself ALL the time!
If I were my mom, I would be totally MORTIFIED over what happened in the grocery store last night!
She was standing in the fruit section, squeezing oranges (maybe practicing for making juice later…I have no idea!). She yelled out, “Nikki, I need you!” And then the most hysterical thing happened!
Finish the story in the comments!
You’ll never guess what I did this weekend!
Can’t guess? Okay, I’ll tell you: I was in a wedding!
I know, that doesn’t sound all that unusual. But it wasn’t just ANY wedding. It was a wedding for Bubba and Sassy.
If those sound like odd names, it’s probably because they’re names for DOGS!
I got this idea last month when I was trying to help Brandon’s grandmother, Betty, come up with a unique idea for a fundraiser for the animal shelter.
Brandon and I were sitting with her, brainstorming, when we noticed Bubba, this cute little dachshund, cuddling with Sassy, a totally adorable poodle.
They were all nuzzled up against each other, and it was the sweetest thing!
Betty said, “Well, would you look at that! Those two are practically inseparable. There’s nothing cuter than a small dog…other than two small dogs in love!”
I said, “Aww! I wish I could take them home with me! It’s kind of a good thing no one has adopted them. They’re meant to stay together forever!”
Then it hit me: why not “make it official” and invite people in the community to come to the wedding, asking for donations to the animal shelter as gifts?
EVERYONE loves cute little dogs, right?
We decided that Betty would cook, I’d make decorations, and Brandon would take photos that we’d send to the local newspaper to promote the shelter even more.
It was a totally brilliant plan!
We put flyers up all over the neighborhood, Zoey announced the event on her TV show, and I even got the school newspaper to run a story about the wedding.
As of last Friday, 100 people had RSVPed! If everyone gave a $20 gift, that would be $2,000!
On the morning of the wedding, I got Sassy ready, and Brandon dressed Bubba in a little tux.
I made him do it in a separate room, though, because the groom should NEVER see the bride before the wedding!
(At least, according to the wedding forums I found online. Brides are hardcore about the rules, and kind of scary, actually. I think I’d rather be trapped with a psychotic gorilla in a boat, in shark-infested water, than left alone with an angry bride!)
Right after I finished putting Sassy in her dress, Brandon ran in and said, “Bubba has cold feet!”
In case you’re not familiar with wedding lingo, that usually means the groom wants to back out.
It seemed highly unlikely that Bubba suddenly developed a human vocabulary, or telepathically communicated to Brandon that he was too young to get tied down with a wife and a litter of puppies, so I smirked and said, “Um, really? So you speak bark now?”
Then he said, “No, I mean I spilled a bunch of ice water and he stepped in it. Can you pass me a towel?”
Fifteen minutes later, I was standing at the front of the aisle with Sassy, and then I heard it: Duh dum duh dum! Duh dum dee dum!
(No, it wasn’t a dumb kid being repetitively sarcastic…it was the wedding song!)
And after that, I saw Brandon walking Bubba down the aisle!
It was RIDICULOUSLY cute, and so romantic…until he got to the top of the aisle and Bubba peed all over Sassy’s veil!
Still, Betty saved the day by saying, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate a love so deep, it can thrive through both sunshine and SHOWERS!”
Everyone laughed, and the rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch!
We didn’t raise $2,000…we raised $3,575! And I even got to dance with Brandon at the reception!
When we were on the dance floor, he said, “This was a really great idea, Nikki, and you did an awesome job with the decorations. I’m really lucky to have you…I mean, WE’RE really lucky to have you…helping…here at the animal shelter!”
Awwww! I looked into his big puppy dog eyes and said, “Thanks, Brandon. I think I’m pretty lucky, too.”
It was the best weekend EVER!
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Order my new Book 7 from your favorite bookstore or retailer. You can also order HERE.
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Email a copy of your book receipt to me at: Nikki@DorkDiaries.com
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Dork Diaries Cool Stuff
c/o Writers House
21 West 26th Street
New York, NY 10010
Step 3 - Make sure your email or letter contains the following two sentences:
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IMPORTANT! DEADLINE IS APRIL 25, 2014!
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I am TOTALLY shocked right now because of something my dad told me this weekend.
We were having one of our family fun days (which are usually more lame than fun). Mom wanted us to spend the day making bird feeders, since “it’s such a lovely way to spend a spring day,” according to her (and no one else in the world).
I told her it would be even lovelier if we did something I couldn’t also do by going back to preschool!
Then Dad said, “I actually have something planned for the day, and it’s a surprise! Kids, put on some clothes that you don’t mind getting wet.”
For a second, I thought maybe he was taking us to an indoor pool somewhere, and I was TOTALLY psyched!
I mean, it’s warm out, but not swimming-warm. And honestly, it’s kind of a tease…like getting just enough snow on Christmas morning to make one tiny snowball instead of enough to make your own Olaf!
(In case you didn’t see “Frozen,” that’s the super cute snowman from that movie!)
Anyways, after Brianna and I got ready, Dad took us all to get lunch at this burger place in a section of town I’ve never really seen before. The burgers were pretty awesome, and the fries were the perfect combination of crispy and salty, but I knew THIS couldn’t be the big surprise.
All through lunch, we tried to get him to tell us where he was taking us, but he wouldn’t budge!
When we got back into the car, it was like he was moving in slow motion. I know he was doing it just to build up the suspense, but I didn’t think I could take it much longer!
When we pulled into a gas station two minutes later, I screamed, “I need to know! What super awesome place are you taking us to??”
Then he said, “We’re here!”
I thought he must have been kidding, since I’m pretty sure most people know it’s NOT a good idea for kids to play with gas pumps. But he was dead serious!
So I said, “Um, Dad, please tell me that tiny gas station store is actually like one of those clown cars that fit a million clowns, and there’s REALLY an Olympic size pool in there!
Instead of answering me, he drove around the back of the store, where a ton of girls of all ages were holding buckets filled with soapy water, and yelling, “Car wash! Get your car washed!”
For a second, I thought he seriously considered getting our car washed a cool activity for family fun day…until he hopped out, opened the trunk, and grabbed two buckets and two sponges for Brianna and me!
I was SO confused! I mean, I’ve done car washes before, but usually they’re fundraisers for something you’re doing with a group of people…who you know! And I didn’t know ANY of those girls!
Mom said, “Come on, girls! Let’s go introduce ourselves and get into the action!”
I was SO confused! So, before Mom could drag me over, I said, “Wait! Stop! Who are these people, and won’t it seem super weird for us, COMPLETE strangers, to just insert ourselves into their car wash??”
That’s when Dad said it…the shocking thing I mentioned in the beginning:
“Well, Nikki, they won’t be strangers for long. These girls go to that school,” he said pointing at a huge brick building next door, “and pretty soon, you will, too. It’s a private, all-girls school for kindergarten through twelfth grade, and you’re both starting next week.”
I didn’t know what to freak out about first!
Private? All girls? Away from Chloe, Zoey, and Brandon? With little kids, too? And STARTING NEXT WEEK??
Before I could COMPLETELY flip out, he said, “I know you like Westchester Country Day, Nikki, but your mother and I think boys can be a distraction. We have a feeling you’ll really thrive here…and they have great hamburgers just down the road!”
I felt totally annoyed, and sick to my stomach, and…
APRIL FOOL’S! Haha! Did I have you fooled?
Chloe has been SO stressed about school lately, and I don’t know what to do to help her! She got one B- on a test, which is SO not a big deal, but it really bugs her because it was in English.
Chloe’s OBSESSED with books. Seriously, the girl lives to read!
When I told her a B- wasn’t that bad, she said, “Not that bad? Me getting a B- in English is like Selena Gomez getting an F in singing!”
I told her, “Well, no, actually it’s like Selena Gomez getting a B- in singing. And maybe she did at some point. B- isn’t a bad grade! I Googled it and B- means ‘Just above average.’ See, you’re not a bad student. You’re just above average!”
For some reason, that made her feel even worse!
Yesterday, Zoey and I asked her to go to the mall afterschool, but she said she was going to be busy reading.
You guys know me…I’m a HUGE library dork, and I’m all for getting lost in a good book. But sometimes you just have to forget about characters and climaxes and focus on equally important things…like accessory stores and food courts!
Even though she thought she needed to spend an afternoon in super serious study land, we decided she needed some time in superficial shopping-ville…and felt the only way to get her there was to kidnap her!
Right after school, Zoey and I hopped on our bikes and raced each other to Chloe’s house. (I’m so psyched it’s spring and FINALLY nice enough to ride them!)
We had planned to ring her doorbell, hide behind the bushes, and then after she answered, jump up, grab her, and drag her to the mall.
But we realized once we got there that you can’t really drag someone to the mall when you’re riding a bike. (Well, you can…but it will probably lead to some nasty road burn!)
So instead, we rang the doorbell, hid behind the bushes, and then when we heard the door open, jumped up and yelled, “Surprise!”
We ended up TOTALLY freaking out Chloe’s mom, who was home sick.
She looked HORRIBLE. Her hair was a mess, her nose was as red as Rudolph’s, and we kind of thought she might hurl…right then!
Zoey said, “Sorry, Mrs. Garcia! We thought you were Chloe. Is she home? We were hoping she’d hang out with us.”
Mrs. Garcia said, “Chloe can’t come out to play, girls. She said she’s not leaving her room until she finishes Great Expectations. Maybe another time.”
Forget for a minute that she said Chloe couldn’t “come out to play”…as if we were waiting at the door with sand pails, shovels, and a bag full of dolls. She said Great Expectations…as in a more-than-500-page book!
If Chloe was planning to stay in her room until she finished it, we probably wouldn’t see her until freshman year!
(Okay, so that’s an exaggeration…the girl reads super fast, but you know what I mean!)
We tried her cell phone, but we got her voicemail, which said, “You’ve reached Chloe Garcia. I’m reading right now, and then I have to study, and then after that, I have to read some more. Well, bye!”
No “I’ll call you back when I get this message” or “Text me if you need me”…just a rambling, school-obsessed reminder that the girl’s got books on the brain!
I know that school is SUPER important, and I like A’s as much as the next girl. But I really want her to cut herself some slack and worry less about school.
What do you guys think? Is there anything I can do to make her forget this B- and stop obsessing about grades?
If you follow me on Facebook, you know that Brandon came over to my house to work on a biology project last Wednesday night.
That morning, I was SO excited!! I knew we’d have a good two hours to talk about all kinds of fun things…like DNA, molecules, and osmosis.
Just kidding! I’m not such a massive dork that I CAN’T WAIT to discuss the inner workings of the human body in my free time!
That’s the stuff we were SUPPOSED to talk about, but I planned to discuss way cooler things…like fun stuff we could do together during Easter break!
I had it all planned out in my head: we’d order pizza, take it up to my room, and put the “No Brianna” sign on my door. (The one with her head in a circle and a diagonal line going through it!)
Then we’d spend about 15 minutes working on our project before spending the rest of the night giggling, flirting, and, okay, who I am kidding…probably blushing, staring at our feet, and being completely awkward!
Still, awkward blushing with Brandon is better than most things with everyone else!
The fantasy was pretty short-lived, though, because my mom had to go and ruin everything with seven horrible words: “we’d love to have Brandon for dinner!”
First of all, that would take AT LEAST a half hour, and I could think of a million in one better ways to waste ¼ of our time, like folding my dad’s underwear together or singing “This is the Song That Never Ends” for thirty minutes straight. (Yup, I thought it would be that bad!)
But more importantly, I just knew that if my mom had a chance to talk to Brandon, she’d not only ask him a ton of stuff that’s none of her business, she’d also do something to humiliate me, like pull out pictures of me as a baby, naked in the sink.
When the doorbell rang at 6:00, I jumped down the stairs so fast that I tripped and ended up banging into the door.
So, THAT’S how I greeted Brandon…with a big, loud thud, followed by an awkward “Hi” as I rubbed my aching shoulder. Still, I forgot all about the pain once I saw his cute face!
Within minutes, we were sitting at the kitchen table, where my mom was pretty much staring at him with this super weird look on her face. Every now and then, when he wasn’t looking, she’d try to get my attention and then mouth something creepy about him, like, “He’s cute!” So gross!
After that, my dad bored us with a super long rant about bugs.
Though in his defense, Brandon had said, “Sure, Mr. Maxwell. I’d love to hear about the latest advancements in pest control.” (He’s SUCH a sweet liar!)
Once my dad finished, Brandon told another whopper, saying, “Gee, Mrs. Maxwell, this is the best meatloaf I’ve ever tasted.”
My mom responded, “I’m glad you’re enjoying it! You know, there’s something I’d like to show you.” Then she got up and started moving toward her hope chest, where I know she keeps all her photo albums.
OMG, I was TERRIFIED! I just knew she was going to pull out my baby pictures, and I definitely didn’t want that! The next bit felt like it happened in slow motion. I saw her. I panicked. I lunged. I shouted, “Nooooooo!”
And then I practically slammed the chest shut. Everyone was just staring at me, like I was some kind of crazy woman!
My mom said, “Wow, Nikki, I didn’t know you were so protective of Grandma’s meatloaf recipe.”
My face turned BRIGHT RED, and I said something totally dumb, like, “Oh, well, it’s, like, a Maxwell family secret!”
I thought for sure Brandon was going to think I was some kind of lunatic after that. But when we got to my room 15 minutes later, he said, “I’m so psyched about Easter break. I really hope we can hang out then!”
Squeeee!! Brandon wants to hang out! I may have bruised my shoulder and embarrassed myself big time, but it was the best night ever!
Do you have a question for Nikki?